Monday, June 26, 2017

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Thursday, June 8, 2017

An Indiana History Story a Day – July


Rich Woman's Dog - Ten Funny Stories

Rich Woman's Dog
Paul R. Wonning

Ten Funny Stories Complete Collection
Ten Funny Stories Complete Collection
Bernie Fuller was a dog. He enjoyed women. In fact, Bernie enjoyed a lot of women. Being a dog did create problems. Right now his problems were named Kate and Melanie. His amorous activities with Kate the previous night extended into the morning hours. He overslept. He awoke, looked at the clock and bolted from bed. He could tell from the look on her face that Kate wanted him to stay. He showered, dressed and roared off on his motorcycle, leaving Kate pouting in her bed.
Now he was late for his breakfast date with Melanie. His head was still clouded with wine, and his judgment was hazy. He gunned the motorcycle as he sped down the straightaway. The curve came up faster than he anticipated.
Too fast, the motorcycle entered the curve. Its rubber tires clawed at the loose gravel. The bike left the road, vaulted the ditch and slammed into a massive oak tree. A flock of crows resting in the tree were startled into flight by the impact, crying "caw, caw, caw,” as they flew off. Centrifugal force flung Bernie into a woven wire fence, which was nailed to the base of the tree. A honeysuckle vine covered the fence, bright with yellow blooms. It hummed with bees gathering the nectar. He fell at the base of the fence. His blood flowed, enriching the fragrant green grass beneath him. He was conscious only of pain. Blackness swallowed his last vision of the blue summer sky.
Bernie opened his eyes. He raised his head and glanced around at an unfamiliar room. Why was everything so tall? He realized that he was lying on a pillow in a box on the floor. He looked down at his hands. Instead of hands he saw furry little white paws.
"Strange," he said. But what he heard was "Arf."
A heavy set woman wearing a brightly flowered dress entered the room. The crow’s feet around her eyes betrayed a much different age than indicated by her youthful looking blond hair.
"What's wrong, Cuddles. Is my little baby hungry?" she asked as she looked at him through eyes heavy with mascara. The air was thick with her perfume.
Cuddles? What kind of a name was that?
“Arf,” he heard himself reply.
The woman left the room. Bernie could hear the sound of a cupboard door opening. The whirring sound of an electric can opener was followed by the clink of a can lid snapping open.
As he pondered his predicament, a scene which happened a few weeks earlier played through his memory.

The room above the Lester’s garage smelled of cigar smoke and stale beer. Bernie was playing poker with the boys, a cigar clenched between his teeth. The cards in his hand formed the worst hand of the night, and that was an accomplishment. His rent money lay in front of Moocher. He glanced at his remaining cash, strewn on the table in front of him.
He removed the cigar from his mouth and tapped it on the ashtray, knocking loose the powdery ashes on the end.
“I’m out,” he said, throwing his cards down. “This hand stinks.”
“You can’t quit after the cards are dealt,” Moocher said. “You have to play this one out.”
“I already lost my rent. If I lose this hand, the power company will shut off my electric.”
“You should have thought of that before you called that last bet,” Davy said.
Bernie looked at his tiny pile of cash on the table and thought about the dilapidated state of his finances. "When I die, I want to come back as some rich fat old lady's dog,” he said. “Just lie around and sleep all day. Then eat chopped steak out of a silver bowl. What a life."
   
His mind fast forwarded to the last thing he remembered. His motorcycle was a twisted wreck. He could see the blue, cloud studded sky. The scent of honeysuckle filled his senses. He could hear the sound of buzzing bees. Pain devoured his soul. Then there was blackness. He looked again at his furry little white paws. His lighthearted wish had come true. He hated yappy little dogs. And now he was one.
He looked back up at the lady. This is a dream. He wanted to pinch himself. But he had no fingers. Only furry little white paws.
"Come on, Cuddles, I’ve put your favorite treat in your bowl," he heard the woman call.
He went into the kitchen, his claws clacking on the hard tile floor.
"There you go, Cuddles," she said, placing the dish in front of him.
He looked at the disgusting mess in the bowl. He wasn't going to eat that. It didn’t even smell good. His sensitive dog nose detected a savory fragrance emanating from the nearby dining table. He jumped up on a chair. A steak and baked potato stared up at him from a plate on the table. He lunged at it.
"Bad boy, bad Cuddles." exclaimed the lady, as she swatted him on the behind. "Go eat your own food and get off the table."
Bernie sulked back to his dish, looked at the contents, and turned up his nose.
A short time later, he heard the lady calling, "Cuddles, Cuddles, come here. We have company coming this afternoon. It’s time for you to get dressed."
She began tying a lacy blue ribbon around his neck.
What the hell. This sissy stuff wasn’t going to fly. He snarled and snapped at her.
"What is with you today?" asked the woman. After a brief struggle she got the ribbon on him. She slipped some lacy little socks on his feet.
He ran into another room and tried to gnaw the ribbon off, but he couldn’t get to it with his teeth. The socks prevented him from digging his claws into it. He wondered what his poker buddies would say if they saw him in this sissy attire.
The doorbell rang, and he scampered off. He found himself staring up at the doorknob, jumping and barking in excitement.
The woman went to the door and opened it. A lady with frizzy red hair stood smiling on the step. Bernie, or Cuddles as he was now known, could see another lady with gray streaked dark hair pulled into a pony tail standing behind her.
“Hello, Buella,” said the red haired one through lips heavy with scarlet lipstick.
"Hello Myrtle. Hello Gert. Come on in," Buella said.
The two entered the house, purses hooked on their arms. Gert pressed her host's hand as she entered, and said, "It’s so nice of you to have us over."
"It is my pleasure. I really enjoy our little weekly games. We are still waiting on Kay. I do hope she can make it."
Great. A hen party. He wanted to gnaw a chair leg.
The doorbell rang again.
“That must be Kay,” Buella said as she opened the door. Outside stood the hottest chick Bernie had ever seen. Short skirt, black stocking covered long legs and high stiletto heels. He could feel his juices boiling. This party was starting to liven up.
As the women chatted, Buella served refreshments. This prompted discussions about recipes and other topics of little interest to Bernie.
Finally, the women sat down to play cards. Bernie laid down where he could get a good look at Kay’s long legs, her slim ankles crossed under the card table. Finally his hormones got the better of him. He scampered under the table mounted the legs and started humping furiously.
"My word," exclaimed Kay. She kicked him off, her spike heel digging into his side. "What a naughty dog."
He retreated with a squeal.
Buella was horrified. "Oh, I am so sorry," she exclaimed. "Cuddles hasn't been acting himself today." She picked him up and carried him to a closet. She put him inside and closed the door.
Well, this was a really crappy day. First he got killed. Then he woke up as a stupid poodle and had to eat dog food. When he finally got a hot chick in his clutches, he got kicked and stuck in a closet. What else could go wrong?
After a while, the conversation and laughter outside stopped. The closet door opened.
"Come out, Cuddles, you bad dog. I guess I have to make that appointment after all".
Buella crossed the room, picked up the phone and dialed a number.
"Hello, Family Vet Services? I need to make an appointment for my doggy, Cuddles. Yes, I need to get him neutered."    
Neutered. Now wait a minute. This wasn't working out at all the way he thought it should.

Friday, June 2, 2017

The Adventures of Toby and Wilbur Bear - The Beginning Begins

The Adventures of Toby and Wilbur Bear
Paul R. Wonning
The Beginning Begins
The Adventures of Toby and Wilbur Bear
The Adventures of Toby and Wilbur Bear
There are no bears in Indiana, let’s get this clear from the beginning. At least that is what everyone says. But the next time you hear an odd rustling in the forest at night, or find strange tracks, remember this tale of how bears came to Indiana.
This story centers on the peaceful little village of Trestletown. Trestletown is in the southeastern corner of Indiana. Here the wild hills tower over Laughery Creek as it meanders through the hills of southern Indiana on its journey to the Ohio River.
Trestletown is on the banks of Laughery Creek, just where the rail line crosses the creek on a bridge high above the stream. The town features all the ordinary homes and businesses common to a small Midwestern town. It has a grocery store, gas stations, restaurants, taverns, and most important of all - a hobby shop.
The adventure begins when Ferguson, “Fergy” to his friends, and owner of the hobby shop, decided he needed a vacation. So he closed the shop, hurried home and began tossing all the necessary gear into the camper. Then he stood scratching his head, thinking that he forgot something. He looked around and then remembered the most important thing of all. He picked up his bewildered wife Laura and threw her in the camper, too.
Vroom! They were off to Tennessee for some hiking and camping, in the Great Smoky Mountains. They found a nice mountain campground and set up camp.
Since it was late when they arrived, Laura and Fergy were tired. They ate dinner, watched the fire awhile and got ready for bed. Fergy was too tired to take the scraps left from their meal to the garbage can. So he just wrapped them in a napkin, and left them on the table, beside the cooler, thinking he could clean up in the morning.
Toby and Wilbur are two small bears that frequent the forested mountains near the campground. They are smaller than normal bears, just cubs that never grew up. Some say it is because they ate the rare leprechaun berries when they were cubs. Mischievous and hungry, they stayed near the campground because the food was agreeable. They also found that there was always something interesting to see. They watched with interest as the tired couple went to bed. Northerners were always easy, they usually left something good to eat out, at least until they learned about bears.
 As soon as the lights in the camper went out, the two small bears scampered out of the brush and began rummaging through the leftovers. Toby found a cooler, which he promptly overturned. It came open, and the two bears felt like lottery winners. They were having a good time making a big mess, when the noise they were making woke up the campers. Fergy came out with a flashlight, sighted the two marauders, and began yelling at them.
The bears grabbed what they could and made out for the forest. Laura and Fergy watched them scamper, a little wiser about bears, and with a big mess to clean up. It wouldn’t be as easy for the bears on their next visit.
Fergy liked to set up some of toys from his shop at the campsite. He always lined the picnic up with drinking birds, radiometers, Newton’s Swings and gyroscopes. It amused him and the children in the campground. He set up his usual menagerie of novelties and set the drinking birds in motion. The early morning light took care of the radiometers. He and his wife then took off for a mountain hike.
Toby and Wilbur were out foraging that morning.  Toby’s stomach remembered the large cream pie he had seen at Fergy’s campsite. They returned, finding the campsite deserted, and no food in sight. But the stuff on the picnic table caught their eyes. What was all this? The two bears had seen nothing like it in their lives. They watched the incredible drinking bird bob up and down at a glass of water. The radiometers spun, and the Newton's swing fascinated Toby. All those gadgets enthralled Toby. Wilbur had an unpleasant premonition that life was about to take an unpleasant turn.
Toby looked at all the stuff on the table. He watched the radiometers and drinking birds, and wondered at how they worked. He picked up a hand boiler. The liquid inside boiled at his touch, amusing him. The two bears were absorbed in all the interesting toys.  They didn’t hear Fergy and his wife until they entered the campsite. Startled, the bears took off into the brush leaving two bewildered campers behind. Bears!
Over the next several days, the bears scored hits on some of the other nearby campsites. They continually checked out Fergy’s site as well, but the couple had learned their lesson and had everything put away. It was the cooler that Toby had eyes for though. Toby remembered that it held ham, chicken, some wonderful cookies, and some of Laura’s special home made cream pie! The pie especially made Toby and Wilbur’s stomachs growl whenever they thought of it!
On their last day, the couple was cleaning up the campsite, getting ready to leave. With everything put away, they decided to take one last stroll around the campground before leaving. It was such a beautiful place and they couldn’t get enough of it.
As they left, Laura forgot to close the camper door. The two hungry bears were watching from the forests edge, and they saw their opportunity. The bears entered the camper in search of the cooler. There it was.
But before the bears could knock the cooler down, they heard Fergy and Laura returning. A broken shoelace had cut the walk short, and now the return to Indiana was imminent. Fergy closed the camper door, jumped in the driver’s seat and started the camper. From their hiding place under the bed, the bears watched Laura change shoes and get in the passengers seat of the camper.
And they were off! Toby and Wilbur looked at each other in consternation. What were they to do now? They decided to hide until the camper stopped, and jump out at the first available opportunity.
Only the camper didn’t stop! Gassed up and ready to go, the trip from Tennessee to Indiana took about six hours to complete. It was the longest six hours in the two bear’s life. Pulling into their driveway, Fergy suggested waiting until morning to clean out the camper, as it was late. Laura agreed, taking only the cooler and other food along to the house.
“Leave the camper door open overnight to air out,” Laura said, “It smells like musty socks in there”.
Fergy agreed, and the left the door open to air it out.
The two bears left their hiding place, and looked out the door. It was night, but they could tell they were a long way from home. They left the camper and scampered off into the Indiana countryside.
There are no bears in Indiana? There are now, but is Indiana ready for Toby and Wilbur?

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